I haven’t been pacing well -> need more naps -> also behind on lots of things. Including more narrative editing. Today you get THREE NAPS. None of them ideal.
One of the hardest things about parenting with chronic illness is the distance between who I thought I’d be as “mom”… and who I am.
I was healthy when I got pregnant. My kiddo was 4, closing in on 5, when I got sick.
He doesn’t remember me when I was able to keep up.
Parenting is all about losing your aspirational view of it, though. I remember when he was 3 and I had an “outside myself” vision of what we were doing – Watching Cars 2 (the worst Cars movie), while he played with Cars toys and opened a new package of Cars underpants.
Who even was I? How had I bought into this drivel? (Anything to get him to use the toilet, is how.)
Before I had my kid I thought I’d want to be a homeschool mom – or at least a “doing lots of crafts and stuff together while hiking all the time” mom. And when he was 4, we were on track for some of that (not homeschool – my extroverted ADHD kid needed someone other than me in his days). But now? Now I’m asleep on the couch when he gets home from school and he’s lucky if I can wake up enough to *suggest* a snack… much less have it ready on a plate with a smile.
He’s happy, healthy, and independant. I’m grateful. But I’m mourning the imaginary mom I planned to be.
I didn’t write these out so this is an approximate description.
My eyelids sag as I look at my book. “Can’t read anymore.” I look at the couch. “NAPTIME”
“Just right” as I arrange pillows. I lay down. I think “What would Chelsea think of this position?” and imagine my spine as an x-ray.
My eyes pop open. “CHELSEA!” I remember my calendar – Chelsea for PT, 1:30.
I look at my clock. It is 1:17. I can make it. I sprint to the car and drive!
I fall asleep on the PT table.
NAP 2
1pm Lying on the same couch, holding a phone. “I’ll just lay down for this meeting.”
Looking at the phone and pushing the camera off . “I don’t need to be on camera.”
1:15 pm (asleep, phone making noises, Sarah are you there?)
Sorry Team.
NAP 3
I am asleep on a couch in the sunshine cuddling a stuffed animal with my mouth open. My son pats my head. My husband takes a picture. They think I’m cute.